As moms, we are often everybody's go-to-person. We get requests to volunteer, "help-out", babysit, organize, plan and solve problems daily. And we say yes to most of them because we can do almost anything! There isn't much a modern woman can't handle.
The problem is that there is no time left for you to think, focus on what is most important and take care of yourself. I often say "squeaky wheels get the oil" and remind myself to make sure all the wheels, even the quiet ones, are functioning well before I run off to "fix the problem".
It is easy to be a firefighter. The fires find you. Everyone knows you have a bucket and a hose and can handle any blaze. Word gets out quickly that you are good at firefighting and before you know it, more and more fires start finding their way to your door. At my job, I have "fires" daily. I have had times where I spent all day putting out other's fires, with no regard to my to-do list or what I planned would be most important that morning. I have learned something recently: Sometimes the fires do need our immediate attention, sometimes they need to burn out themselves and sometimes somebody else can take care of the fire--especialy if they set the fire. The challenge is evaluating and knowing which is which. Saying no to the fires you don't need to handle is a challenge.
I had a church leader that taught me a phrase once. I was struggling with some issues in a leadership position and went to him for advice. He said that one thing he would say to himself in those situations where so many people were wanting him to do too many things was "Lack of planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on my part." I have thought a lot about that.
Truthfully I spend a fair amount of my time planning for the events in my life. I put forth effort and energy to plan ahead, to be organized, to be responsible for the things I am accountable for---I let myself get dragged under the current when I try to "fix" things for everyone else. When they leave it--usually because I haven't made them accountable---thinking "It's okay, Katie will take care of it." I get frustrated. I get angry. And........ I usually take care of it. (and often internalize all of those feelings, instead of expressing them to the people who made me frustrated and angry.)
I have learned, through many episodes of trial and error, (and many "burns") that it is okay to not always be the firefighter. That is is okay to say "No, I won't be able to do that" or "That is too bad. What are you going to do to fix that problem?"
If you are struggling with too many fires in your life. Here are a few tips for learning how to say no. By taking a step back and thinking about what is most important to YOU, pretty soon there will be an offer you CAN refuse and taking control of your life and your time like that feels fantastic!
1. Most of us have a calendar on which we schedule our life and obligations. When someone makes a request of our time, it may mean saying yes to their needs and no to something you would rather do. It is perfectly acceptable to schedule some time for yourself. The beauty of that time is that you can do what ever you want---maybe get a manicure, browse a bookstore, see a movie or take a nap. On my calendar, I try to schedule one "TFK" (time for Katie) every week. At least one hour, blocked out that I can do what I want for my own sanity. Schedule a sitter or get your husband to take care of things. You can do this---it is one hour and you really need it!
This last week I needed to schedule a time to discuss a difficult employee situation with a physician who works with me. I called her to see when we could meet. As we went over our open calendar spots, she said "I can do Wednesday at noon, Thursday at 9 or Friday at 3---but not Thursday afternoon, 'cause that's my Target time!" I loved it! I fully respect Target time. Where I live the closest Target is 1 hour and 12 minutes away, so if I plan a "Target Time" it has to be a 3 hour block. My friend did this. Twice a month, she plans a Target trip. I am totally putting "TT" (Target Time) on my calendar. I am going to go walk the aisles of Target and come back sane and happy.
A note: If you don't love Target---seriously WHO ARE YOU?---then insert any activity that makes you smile into this situation and schedule it.
Another note: You will notice that I give my time "secret names". I am not quite comfortable telling everyone what I am doing during my own time. I am working on it, but for now whenever I see those little appointments on my calendar every once in a while, it helps make the challenges and deadlines a little easier to handle.
2. Be honest when you turn someone down. You don't have to tell everyone every detail of your life. You really don't owe anyone any explanation of how you spend your "non-obligated" time. You need to be honest in your work hours. You need to be honest with your spouse. You do not need to tell the PTA hospitality member why you will not be able to provide 6 dozen cupcakes tomorrow morning at 7 a.m. But don't lie to her and tell her you can't do it because you are having surgery tomorrow (unless you are!)
When someone makes a request of your time or energy, take a breath before you respond. If you need to think about it, say "I will need to get back to you about that". Hang up, think about it calmly and rationally. If you can do it and want to do it, call her back and say yes.
If you can't do it or don't want to do it, call her back and say "I checked on (that item I said I would get back to you on) and unfortunately, I won't be available to do that. I have another responsibility." She doesn't need to know what your responsibility is and if you make up an excuse or lie, eventually you will get caught or at least feel guilty. (and that is another topic for another day---but know that guilt is a waste of time!)
Don't feel like you have to justify or give details. That only gives her the opportuity to twist your arm or guilt you into doing something you don't want to do. Just say "I'm booked" and leave it at that.
A note: Don't say no to everything. You will miss out on some great opportunities to give service, help others and make new acquaintences and friends. You don't have to say yes to every request, but do say yes to a few of them that seem meaningful and important to you!
3. Make sure you get all the details before you commit to an activity or assignment. If someone asks you to help them with their garage sale, find out the logistics. Clarify what is expected from you and be honest about what you can give. I you are asked to chair a fundraising spaghetti dinner and auction for your son's school band program and that really doesn't fit into your schedule, say "I am so flattered that you would think of me for this project. Unfortunately, my schedule is so full right now that I couldn't give it the attention it deserves. But I would be able to contribute three items to the auction and you can count on us to buy tickets for the dinner."
Be clear about what you can do. Let others know you think something is important and say yes, if this is a project you are able to happily accomplish without sacrificing what is most important to you. Truthfully, everyone is busy. That is the world we live in. There are not many people sitting around looking for some project to take up their extra time. Being thoughtful and honest about the things we say "NO" and "YES" to will help you to focus on what is truly most important to you.
Wrapping a clear "NO" in a "YES" you can actually do, makes saying no a little easier to say and to hear. Be sure you follow through on what you offer and recognize the efforts of those others who participate and contribute.
Saying no is tricky. It can be a challenge but knowing that by focusing on what you CAN do will bring you greater peace and happiness--- AND give you the time you need to focus on what is essential and important to you--- makes the challenge worth the effort! Let me know how you do with this essential! I love to hear your feedback. Love, Katie
You ought to write a book about this. In fact, you ought to turn your blog into a book. I always feel very enlightened after I read this.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I have been struggling with this lately. Since we're the new people in town, we're frequently asked to sub, fill in, take responsibilities that no one else wants etc. As much as I want to get the message out to people here that I enjoy being involved, I'm getting a little burned out. I said my first "no" for something the other day and it felt great. It was not something that I wanted to do and I have been doing too much recently. So, I stepped back and decided to schedule wild blackberry picking with my kiddos instead.