One of my girls was a big pretender. We often had a "friend" who ate lunch or dinner with us and needed an extra plate or sometimes instead of our four-year old girl, we suddenly had a "little puppy" crawling under the table barking at our feet. She moved from moments of intense pretend and back to her regular behaviors without much warning or concern. Child psychologists tell us that "it is fine to acknowledge imaginary friends by providing an extra plate at the table but don't engage in conversation with the unseen friend or cater the activities to "include" the invisible person." The child is intelligent and cognizant of the fact that their "friend" isn't real. They may not understand your conversing with someone who isn't there. It is better to talk to your child about their friend's needs. For example, "Does Bobby want peanut butter on his toast this morning?" instead of "Bobby, do you want peanut butter?"
Parents may ask "Do we need to worry or draw a line somewhere with pretend play? Is this an area where I need to have some boundaries?" "Can imaginary play have negative effects?" There are a few incidents where, as the parent, you need to step in. If fantasy play becomes disruptive or violent you should curtail it and talk with your child about what is happening.
Another time you may need to step in is when it stops appropriate social interactions. If your child prefers his imaginary friend over real relationships with real people every time the choice is available, you might want to dig a little deeper into what is going on. Sometime children will use their imaginary friends as the voice for their fears or concerns. Statements like "Bobby hates to sleep on the top bunk." or "Bobby told me he doesn't want to play with Jim" might give you an opportunity to talk with her about her fears or possible an aggressive or mean association. Listen closely to what your child is sharing with you using their "friend" as the voice.
There is a popular country song that tells the story of a dad driving his child in a car and something spills and the child yells out inappropriate language in anger, mimicking what he heard his father say. This is one area that imaginary friends might help us as parents. We might hear our child talking with their pretend friends and repeating things they hear from us. There may be times we don't even recognize how negative our words are or how they sound to our little people's ears. When we need to apologize and set things right, there is never any shame in that. Your child needs to know that you are working on being a better mommy or daddy and that we all make mistakes some times. Helping children to understand that we all make mistakes and can admit them, change and improve is a valuable lesson to teach.
As you listen and observe pretend or imaginary play, step in if the play is belittling, aggressive or hurtful. Stop bad language and listen to what is being said and how they are saying it. As long as there is a plot and a reason, let their imagination fly as long no one is being harmed.
Encourage them to use good language in their conversations. Remind them that manners still count even in fantasy play. Talk with your child before going to the library, to church or visiting Aunt Colleen at the nursing home, so they know what appropriate and acceptable play in these areas is. If you remind them to tell their imaginary friend about how we act in those places--no running, yelling or rambunctious play--they will recognize that they can control the situation and make choices to control themselves and their friend. Be sure you are recognizing good behavior and rewarding great choices with lots of positive reinforcement.
So grab your lasso or light saber and pretend you are a Jedi Knight with your little Luke Skywalker and his friend "Bobby". I'm certain you will have fun and you may even learn a few things about your child and yourself---maybe even the essentials!
Have fun, Katie
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