Six magic words.......

    
    Recently my oldest daughter and I made a 22 hour drive together. We had quite an adventure!  She was 3 months pregnant, missing her husband, not feeling great but had a good attitude about the journey.  The long trip and the conversations we had during that trip reminded me of an important conversation we had sitting in a car about 10 years ago...

     We have always had a pretty tight knit family.  Lots of fun and support--not too much contention--but when Em was about fifteen things got a little more stressful.  She wasn't as happy as she had been, wasn't so willing to share, wasn't so interested in being with the family.  I felt like I was losing my tight bond with this sweet girl, quickly becoming a young adult and I just didn't seem to know the right things to say or do to get her to open up to me.  One day driving to piano lessons (about a 30 minute drive)--the car was quiet and we were both caught up in our own thoughts.  A girl's name popped into my head and I asked Em if she had seen her lately.  After a long pause, she started telling me about this girl and of the choices she was making in her life--poor choices with alcohol, drugs, boys, lieing to parents etc. I was shocked! I couldn't believe that the things she was telling me were really going on in this girl's life and that my daughter was exposed to it. I was also surprised that she  was telling me! 

     She paused and looked at me.  I kind of think it might have been a test to see how I reacted.  And in that moment, the most profound thing happened---I didn't say how shocked I was, I didn't start into my regular lecture about how important it was to not use alcohol, not get involved with drugs, not be alone with boys, not ruin trust with parents... I just said  "What do you think about that?"  I think I might have shocked her, it definitely shocked me.  I know she was surprised to not get the lecture.  She didn't say anything for a few moments and then told me how sad she was that this friend was no longer someone she could be around because of her poor choices.  She told me how tough it was sometimes to be the "good girl" and how she wanted to do what was right, but worried about all the negative influences.  She talked and I learned to listen. I nodded, showed interest and concern-but didn't comment.  I felt like it was important for her to talk this through. She shared her values, which thankfully reflected all the things I had been teaching and talking about since she was a little girl.  When we arrived at  her lesson and she hopped out of the car, she said "See you later.  Good talk mom."  I didn't say much of anything during that "good talk" but I learned a very important lesson. 

     As our kids get older, we need to give them the opportunity to form their own thoughts and ideas.  To process everything they have heard since day one and have it make sense in their brain.  Asking a question like "What do you think about that?" and then shutting our mouths and listening is so important.  We support them in their development of identity, personal beliefs and values.  We let them know by quietly listening that we are interested in what they have to say, that what they think is valuable and important.  We also teach them to trust us, that we won't fly off the handle or start yelling just because something is outside of our normal picture of the world.

     I'm not saying I haven't been shocked or that I haven't continued my "lectures" occasionally.  I hope I have gotten better at it as I have mothered a little longer.  The lectures aren't as long, or as loud, or as reactionary---but they still are topics that are important to me. I want my kids to know that sometimes there really are black and white decisions. But I am a better listener now.  My kids are thoughtful and smart.  A lot of what I have said has soaked in.  But they also have their own ideas and thoughts and opinions---which I find fascinating.  I like hearing what they think so I try to bite my tongue and think about my responses to them, so that they won't shut down or shut me out. 

     I have learned that the car can be a magic place to have a conversation.  It is intimate without being threatening.  You are sitting close to each other, but there is not a lot of mushy eye contact and you can control your emotions and reactions more effectively because you don't have to immediately respond.  Also, no one can walk away, shut a door or leave the room when you are conversing in a moving vehicle. 

     Try out these six magic words.  Try them in the car on your next drive somewhere.    Learning to communicate effectively with your teen is an important step on the road to being an effective parent and building a strong family.  You might be surprised at what you learn, maybe even some essentials!

Keeping your calm!

Control your temper and keep conflict under control 

 

Use one of these temper-taming tactics to find your calm or avoid conflict altogether:

Be objective: When seeing someone lose control of their emotions, ask yourself "what can I learn from this situation?". Think about what led to the explosion of feelings and loss of control.  Thinking about how and why other people experience anger can help you recognize and diffuse your own feelings when the time comes.

Find common ground-One way to neutralize a potential conflict with another person is to find a point that you can both agree on.  If there is nothing to argue about, contention is avoided.

Get some air!  A little oxygen and a quiet place can help you get perspective.  Step away from the situation, concentrate on control of your breathing and allow yourself to relax for a few minutes.  This will help to ease your mind and help you to figure out what triggered your anger and how to deal with it productively.

Be prepared for conversations-Sometimes confrontational conversations need to happen.  Have them be as constructive as possible.  For me practicing the crucial things I need to say in private, in front of a mirror, sitting in my car alone or making an outline of topics to cover have all been effective.  Practicing helps organize your thoughts and makes you focus on what is most important.  Don't allow yourself to be distracted by small annoyances or things that don't really matter. 

Choose a neutral topic- Talking about the weather, food or celebrity gossip will allow you to detour the conversation from whatever is considered offensive or negative.  Moving to neutral ground helps you to gain perspective in the heat of the moment. It allows you to refocus and change directions.

Write it down- Write out grievances and concerns.  Give voice to the emotions you are feeling.  Getting that out and organizing what your issues are will help you gain perspective.  Then you can focus on the issues you can do something about.  Keep a private journal or better yet, after you have a clarified perspective, shred your written document.

Close the door and yell! Sometimes getting the aggression out is necessary and healthy.  Doing it in private, behind closed doors, allows you to get frustration out of your system and cool off without an audience.  Give yourself 10 minutes to say whatever you need to and then switch gears to a more constructive mind set for a real conversation with the person you need to speak with.

Good luck with your efforts to keep calm!  It's an essential!

Put One Foot......

"Put one foot in front of the other...and soon you'll be walking cross the floor; put one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be walking out the door"  (Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, 1970)

Exercising can start out as simply as the words tell us in this beloved song.  It is widely accepted by sports medicine experts that walking at least 30 minutes a day is recommended to improve your health.
Here's a few more tips to help you get in the habit of exercising regularly:

• Wear comfortable clothing-Clothing that fits and doesn't bind or pinch is essential. Cotton is a great choice because it naturally breaths as you move. Footwear that fits your foot is important.   Spend a little time in a shoe store having the length and width of your foot measured.  Talk with the footwear experts about padding, arch support, toe box space and heel width.  You want a shoe that is snug and secure but does not pinch, squeeze or potentially make blisters on your foot. Choosing a well fitting shoe is so much more important than a brand name or a color.
• Start small-Take a walk around your neighborhood.  Start with 10 minutes and then add a few minutes every couple of days.  Within a short time, you'll be up to 30 minutes. Another option is to break your walk into 3 separate walks of 10 minutes each, spaced through out your day. Once you get walking, you will find that it will become easier each time.
• Have a goal-Choose something to work toward.  Sign up for a 5K, plan a mother-daughter race, make a bet with your husband.  A friend of mine had a contest with her sister  who lived several states away.  Their contest was to see who could walk a "marathon"(26.2 miles) in the shortest number of days.  Each time they walked they recorded the miles accomplished and reported to each other. My friend completed her marathon in 15 days, her sister in 17 days. They are working on a 100 mile contest now.
• Set realistic goals - You may feel that the goal of walking 365 days in a row, running a marathon this summer or losing 50 pounds is not really within your success scope.  But setting a goal of walking 100 minutes or swimming 10 miles or losing 5 pounds is very doable. 
• Reward your accomplishments- Choose a reward that makes you happy.  Some of my favorites are a manicure, a new book or a ticket to a movie.  The secret to a happy life is to find the little treats everyday!
• Find an exercise partner- Choose someone who will keep you accountable, cheer on your accomplishments and pick you up when you stumble. There's nothing like that knock on your door, when you think you don't want to go walking to motivate you to get going! 
• Walk with your dog-He needs the exercise and so do you!
• Use a pedometer-10,000 steps are equal to about 5 miles of movement.  You might be pleasantly surprised by how great meeting your goal feels when you get there each day.  My husband started using a fitbit counter this year and each time he meets his goal of 10,000 steps he gets a little vibration telling him he met this milestone.  It is a happy reminder to keep going every day! There are many varieties of pedometers from very inexpensive to very fancy with lots of bells and whistles.  Do a little research to find one that meets your needs. 
• Figure out your best pace-You can measure your exertion with a pulse check.  One easy way to measure your pulse is to walk fast enough to not be able to sing a song, but not so fast you cannot talk.  If you can sing while you are walking, pick up your pace! 

Whatever you choose to keep you motivated and moving, let it help you pick up those feet and move right out your door this year!            

What's for dinner? Blueberry Buckle

Happy Monday!

 

Summer time this year in Missouri means BLUEBERRIES!  Lots and lots of blueberries! There is a farm outside of town where we can pick fresh berries two days a week.  The bushes are full and the weather in the early mornings is beautiful.

 

 

 

What's a girl to do with this amazing bounty? 

I think a treat is a great idea. 

 Here's a favorite recipe to try with your family:

 

Blueberry Buckle

 

Preheat oven to 350 degrees and grease a 9x9 inch baking dish.

 

Sift together 2 cups flour, 2 teaspoons baking powder and 1/2 teaspoon salt into a medium bowl and set aside.

 

In a mixer bowl beat 1/2 cup butter until smooth.  Add 1/2 cup sugar and beat until smooth & light. Reduce speed and add 1 large egg until combined. 

 

Beat in flour mixture, alternating with 3/4 cup milk until combined.  Pour into prepared baking dish.

 

Toss together 2 1/2 cups fresh blueberries with 1 Tablespoon lemon juice.  Sprinkle on top of batter.

 

In another bowl, mix together 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon, 1/4 teaspoon grated nutmeg, 1/3 cup flour and 1/4 cup sugar. Cut in 4 Tablespoons softened butter with a pastry blender or two forks until mixture is combined and crumbly. Sprinkle on top on berries.

 

Bake 45-50 minutes until a toothpick comes out almost clean. Cool slightly on a wire rack, cut into squares and serve.

Makes 9 servings.

 

 

While your buckle is baking, read this charming book to your little ones:

 

 

Have a happy summer afternoon!

 Love, Katie

Playing Cowboys and Aliens

Pretend play, make believe, imaginary friends are all a normal part of childhood.  Psychologists even tell us that it is critical to allow children opportunities to develop these skills.  We know there are long term benefits to pretend---it helps develop creativity and problem solving, but it also develops  intelligence, language skills, empathy, self-control, leadership, independence and happiness.

One of my girls was a big pretender.  We often had a "friend" who ate lunch or dinner with us and needed an extra plate  or sometimes instead of our four-year old girl, we suddenly had a "little puppy" crawling under the table barking at our feet.  She moved from moments of intense pretend and back to her regular behaviors without much warning or concern. 



Child psychologists tell us that "it is fine to acknowledge imaginary friends by providing an extra plate at the table but don't engage in conversation with the unseen friend or cater the activities to "include" the invisible person." The child is intelligent and cognizant of the fact that their "friend" isn't real.  They may not understand your conversing with someone who isn't there. It is better to talk to your child about their friend's needs.  For example, "Does Bobby want peanut butter on his toast this morning?" instead of "Bobby, do you want peanut butter?"

Parents may ask "Do we need to worry or draw a line somewhere with pretend play?  Is this an area where I need to have some boundaries?" "Can imaginary play have negative effects?"   There are a few incidents where, as the parent, you need to step in.  If  fantasy play becomes disruptive or violent you should curtail it and talk with your child about what is happening. 

Another time you may need to step in is when it stops appropriate social interactions.  If your child prefers his imaginary friend over real relationships with real people every time the choice is available, you might want to dig a little deeper into what is going on.  Sometime children will use their imaginary friends as the voice for their fears or concerns.  Statements like "Bobby hates to sleep on the top bunk." or "Bobby told me he doesn't want to play with Jim" might give you an opportunity to talk with her about her fears or possible an aggressive or mean association.  Listen closely to what your child is sharing with you using their "friend" as the voice.

There is a popular country song that tells the story of a dad driving his child in a car and something spills and the child yells out inappropriate language in anger, mimicking what he heard his father say.  This is one area that imaginary friends might help us as parents.  We might hear our child talking with their pretend friends and repeating things they hear from us.  There may be times we don't even recognize how negative our words are or how they sound to our little people's ears.  When we need to apologize and set things right, there is never any shame in that.  Your child needs to know that you are working on being a better mommy or daddy and that we all make mistakes some times.  Helping children to understand that we all make mistakes and can admit them, change and improve is a valuable lesson to teach. 

As you listen and observe pretend or imaginary play, step in if the play is belittling, aggressive or hurtful.  Stop bad language and listen to what is being said and how they are saying it.  As long as there is a plot and a reason, let their imagination fly as long no one is being harmed. 

Encourage them to use good language in their conversations.  Remind them that manners still count even in fantasy play.  Talk with your child before going to the library, to church or visiting Aunt Colleen at the nursing home, so they know what appropriate and acceptable play in these areas is.  If you remind them to tell their imaginary friend about how we act in those places--no running, yelling or rambunctious play--they will recognize that they can control the situation and make choices to control themselves and their friend.  Be sure you are recognizing good behavior and rewarding great choices with lots of positive reinforcement.

So grab your lasso or light saber and pretend you are a Jedi Knight with your little Luke Skywalker and his friend "Bobby".  I'm certain you will have fun and you may even learn a few things about your child and yourself---maybe even the essentials!  
                                                                                      Have fun, Katie

Parents Dictionary

We might need to send a few of these into Websters!  Can you think of any more?

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house

Are you a Firefighter?

One of the most simple words in the English language is often the most difficult to say.  Learning to say "No" to some of the distractions in your life will allow you to have the time and energy you need to accomplish what is most important, maybe even essential!
As moms, we are often everybody's go-to-person.  We get requests to volunteer, "help-out", babysit, organize, plan and solve problems daily.  And we say yes to most of them because we can do almost anything!  There isn't much a modern woman can't handle. 

The problem is that there is no time left for you to think, focus on what is most important and take care of yourself.  I often say "squeaky wheels get the oil" and remind myself to make sure all the wheels, even the quiet ones, are functioning well before I run off to "fix the problem".

It is easy to be a firefighter.  The fires find you.  Everyone knows you have a bucket and a hose and can handle any blaze. Word gets out quickly that you are good at firefighting and before you know it, more and more fires start finding their way to your door.  At my job, I have "fires" daily.  I have had times where I spent all day putting out other's fires, with no regard to my to-do list or what I planned would be most important that morning.  I have learned something recently: Sometimes the fires do need our immediate attention, sometimes they need to burn out themselves and sometimes somebody else can take care of the fire--especialy if they set the fire.  The challenge is evaluating and knowing which is which.  Saying no to the fires you don't need to handle is a challenge.

I had a church leader that taught me a phrase once.  I was struggling with some issues in a leadership position and went to him for advice.  He said that one thing he would say to himself in those situations where so many people were wanting him to do too many things was "Lack of planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on my part."  I have thought a lot about that.

Truthfully I spend a fair amount of my time planning for the events in my life.  I put forth effort and energy to plan ahead, to be organized, to be responsible for the things I am accountable for---I let myself get dragged under the current when I try to "fix" things for everyone else.  When they leave it--usually because I haven't made them accountable---thinking "It's okay, Katie will take care of it."  I get frustrated.  I get angry.  And........ I usually take care of it.    (and often internalize all of those feelings, instead of expressing them to the people who made me frustrated and angry.)

I have learned, through many episodes of trial and error, (and many "burns") that it is okay to not always be the firefighter.  That is is okay to say "No, I won't be able to do that" or "That is too bad.  What are you going to do to fix that problem?"

If you are struggling with too many fires in your life.  Here are a few tips for learning how to say no.  By taking a step back and thinking about what is most important to YOU, pretty soon there will be an offer you CAN refuse and taking control of your life and your time like that feels fantastic!

1. Most of us have a calendar on which we schedule our life and obligations. When someone makes a request of our time, it may mean saying yes to their needs and no to something you would rather do. It is perfectly acceptable to schedule some time for yourself.  The beauty of that time is that you can do what ever you want---maybe get a manicure, browse a bookstore, see a movie or take a nap.  On my calendar, I try to schedule one "TFK" (time for Katie) every week.  At least one hour, blocked out that I can do what I want for my own sanity.  Schedule a sitter or get your husband to take care of things.  You can do this---it is one hour and you really need it!

This last week I needed to schedule a time to discuss a difficult employee situation with a physician who works with me.  I called her to see when we could meet.  As we went over our open calendar spots, she said "I can do Wednesday at noon, Thursday at 9 or Friday at 3---but not Thursday afternoon, 'cause that's my Target time!"  I loved it!  I fully respect Target time.  Where I live the closest Target is 1 hour and 12 minutes away, so if I plan a "Target Time" it has to be a 3 hour block.  My friend did this.  Twice a month, she plans a Target trip.  I am totally putting "TT" (Target Time) on my calendar.  I am going to go walk the aisles of Target and come back sane and happy.

A note: If you don't love Target---seriously WHO ARE YOU?---then insert any activity that makes you smile into this situation and schedule it. 

Another note: You will notice that I give my time "secret names".  I am not quite comfortable telling everyone what I am doing during my own time.  I am working on it, but for now whenever I see those little appointments on my calendar every once in a while, it helps make the challenges and deadlines a little easier to handle.

2. Be honest when you turn someone down.  You don't have to tell everyone every detail of your life.  You really don't owe anyone any explanation of how you spend your "non-obligated" time.  You need to be honest in your work hours.  You need to be honest with your spouse.  You do not need to tell the PTA hospitality member why you will not be able to provide 6 dozen cupcakes tomorrow morning at 7 a.m.  But don't lie to her and tell her you can't do it because you are having surgery tomorrow (unless you are!)

When someone makes a request of your time or energy, take a breath before you respond.  If you need to think about it, say "I will need to get back to you about that".  Hang up, think about it calmly and rationally.  If you can do it and want to do it, call her back and say yes.

If you can't do it or don't want to do it, call her back and say "I checked on (that item I said I would get back to you on) and unfortunately, I won't be available to do that. I have another responsibility."  She doesn't need to know what your responsibility is and if you make up an excuse or lie,  eventually you will get caught or at least feel guilty.  (and that is another topic for another day---but know that guilt is a waste of time!)

Don't feel like you have to justify or give details.  That only gives her the opportuity to twist your arm or guilt you into doing something you don't want to do.  Just say "I'm booked" and leave it at that.

A note:  Don't say no to everything.  You will miss out on some great opportunities to give service, help others and make new acquaintences and friends.  You don't have to say yes to every request, but do say yes to a few of them that seem meaningful and important to you! 

3.  Make sure you get all the details before you commit to an activity or assignment.  If someone asks you to help them with their garage sale, find out the logistics.  Clarify what is expected from you and be honest about what you can give.  I you are asked to chair a fundraising spaghetti dinner and auction for your son's school band program and that really doesn't fit into your schedule, say "I am so flattered that you would think of me for this project.  Unfortunately, my schedule is so full right now that I couldn't give it the attention it deserves.  But I would be able to contribute three items to the auction and you can count on us to buy tickets for the dinner."

Be clear about what you can do.  Let others know you think something is important and say yes, if this is a project you are able to happily accomplish without sacrificing what is most important to you. Truthfully, everyone is busy.  That is the world we live in.  There are not many people sitting around looking for some project to take up their extra time.  Being thoughtful and honest about the things we say "NO" and "YES" to will help you to focus on what is truly most important to you.

Wrapping a clear "NO" in a "YES" you can actually do, makes saying no a little easier to say and to hear.  Be sure you follow through on what you offer and recognize the efforts of those others who participate and contribute.

Saying no is tricky.  It can be a challenge but knowing that by focusing on what you CAN do will bring you greater peace and happiness--- AND give you the time you need to focus on what is essential and important to you--- makes the challenge worth the effort!   Let me know how you do with this essential!  I love to hear your feedback.  Love, Katie